


The Patriotic Phallus

by plinys



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2015-11-30
Packaged: 2018-05-04 02:53:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5317757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plinys/pseuds/plinys
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sen. James Madison (@jamesmadison)<br/>Never expected to think this much about @POTUS 's penis</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Patriotic Phallus

**Author's Note:**

  * For [selenedaydreams](https://archiveofourown.org/users/selenedaydreams/gifts).



> For a fic swap with the lovely Selene, the opening line was her prompt to me.

**FROM: Sec. Hamilton (10:15pm)**

Quick, I need a picture of your dick.  
Don’t ask questions, just show me your genitals.

 

**FROM: Sec. Jefferson (10:15pm)**

Sir, rare be it that I actually agree with Hamilton on anything  
But, as this is one of those circumstances, please do what he just requested of you.

**FROM: Sen. Madison (10:16pm)**

whatever you do, do not sent ham/Thomas a dick pic

 

**GROUP TEXT TO: Sec. Hamilton, Sec. Jefferson, Sen. Madison (10:28pm)**

I’m going to give you all the benefit of the doubt and not report this to HR.  
Go to sleep.

**REPLY ALL FROM: Sec. Hamilton (10:30pm)**

SIR YOU HAVE TO.  
OTHERWISE MADISON WILL WIN AND NOBODY WANS /MADISON/ TO WIN

 

**REPLY ALL FROM: Sen. Madison (10:32pm)**

You do realize that this is a group chat, right?  
Also that we’re all in the same room?  
Except for you, Mr. President

 

**REPLY ALL FROM: Sec. Jefferson (10:33pm)**

ham #fuckedup

 

\---

“I can’t believe he wouldn’t show us his dick. I’ve never felt more betrayed by the government in my life.”

“Agreeing with you is weird,” Jefferson gives a mock toast, which Hamilton returns clicking their glasses together.

It is only due to Madison’s exemplary willpower that he manages not to roll his eyes, and instead takes a long drink of wine himself. As if getting more drunk will somehow make this line of conversation make more sense.

This was supposed to have been a meeting to talk about political policies, to find some level ground between their two parties, maybe even work out some sort of compromise. At least, that was how Jefferson had pitched the dinner to him.

Three bottles of wine into the night (and one plate of Jefferson’s _special_ brownies), and Madison was almost certain that had spent more time talking about the president’s genitalia than actually discussing the finical plan they were to be voting on in the morning’s meeting

“Maybe he’s embarrassed of how small it is.”

Correct, he was _certain_.

“Please, if anyone has a massive dong, its George _Motherfucking_ Washington,” Hamilton insists, using his hands for emphasis, placing them about a foot apart, “ _Massive_.”

“But have you actually seen it?”

“Please say no,” Madison mutters under his breath, because the last thing he needs is the image of some context in which Hamilton might have seen the president’s dick. And he had no doubt that if Hamilton had seen it, they were about to be treated to a very long description of the event leading up to the sighting and everything following it.

The sigh of relief he lets out when Hamilton reluctantly shakes his head is audible, not that either of his dinner companions are listening.

“No – though I’ve had to buy his pants, back before – on the campaign right,” Hamilton’s usual elegance with words is diminished by his BAC, and instead most of what he says comes out as a rush. “Had to get him _relaxed fit_ dress pants, if that doesn’t say extra room for his sizable cock, I don’t know what does.”

“How great can it really be though? I mean, he doesn’t even have kids.”

“Have you never heard of birth control?”

“This coming from the man with what is it _six_ now?”

\---

**FROM: Sec. Hamilton (11:02pm)**

Just saying. You should probably fire Jefferson  
He’s doubting the powers of your penis.  
The size of your statue of liberty.  
oH SHIT – THAT’S GREAT HOLD ON I GOTTA SHARE THAT

\---

“His _Statue of Liberty,_ ” Hamilton says between bursts of laughter. Madison’s almost certain that he’s completely lost it, though when he casts a warry glance Jefferson’s way to see if his fellow Democratic-Republican agrees, it’s not support that he sees on the other man’s features.

In fact, a second later, Jefferson joins in with a grin of his own. “Washington’s personal _bald eagle_.”

And, of course, neither of them are willing to let the other get the upper hand.

“The patriotic phallus.”

“The rod of revolution.”

“The General’s _boom stick_.”

“The All-American sausage.”

“The Freedom-“

“That’s enough of that,” Madison jumps in, cutting off what was probably yet another presidential penis pun, and earning the scorn of the two other men sitting at the dinner table. “Please?”

\---

**FROM: Sen. Madison (11:39pm)**

Please, sir, know that I do not condone any messages sent by Secs Hamilton or Jefferson tonight.  
I tried to stop them. I really did.

\---

“The real question is,” Jefferson drawls, “Would you suck the president’s dick to get your debt plan through.”

Hamilton doesn’t even seem surprised by the question, and Madison supposes objectively it’s not that crazy of a question. Not given the line of discussion that no amount of persuading can turn them away from. Plus Hamilton’s bisexuality was well known to the political public.

If any of them were going to suck the president’s dick. It would be him.

“I mean, if it would really work, then sure,” Hamilton eventually says, before tipping back the rest of his drink.

Madison’s not surprised in the slightest when the next words off Jefferson’s lips are, “Would you suck mine?”

That gets a reaction out of Hamilton. The Federalist wrinkling his nose as if Jefferson had just suggested the worst possible scenario in the world. Which he pretty much had.

“You don’t have the power to make that decision,” Hamilton says, “So what’s the point.”

“Hypothetically though-“

“Hypothetically, it would make more sense to blow Madison, he actually has a vote.”

“Nobody’s getting anywhere near my dick,” Madison quickly says, putting an end to the discussion before it can even begin. Because there’s two sets of calculating gazes trained on him, and absolutely no way any of that ends well. “End of story.”

“Party pooper.”

\---

**Sen. James Madison (@jamesmadison)**

that was perhaps the most enlightening evening of my life. cheers to @SOSJefferson and @SOTHamilton

 

**Sen. Aaron Burr (@ABurr)**

@jamesmadisonwhat happened? how’d it go?

                **Sen. James Madison (@jamesmadison)**

                @ABurr you had to have been there

                **A. Ham (@SOTHamilton)**

@ABurr @jamesmadison @SOSJefferson @POTUS #theroomwhereithappened ;)

 

**President Washington (@POTUS)**

Hamilton. Jefferson. HR first thing tomorrow morning.

 

**President Washington (@POTUS)**

Madison, you too.


End file.
